Every so often, I’ll respond to a scammer’s email just to waste his time. Usually they’re pretty boring, but the latest one was a lot of fun.

It all started with this message…

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am Dr. Liu Peijin, managing director of China National Arts & Crafts
Import./Export. Corp. (CNART) we are a group of business men who deal on
Art and Craft and export into the Canada/America and Europe.
We are searching for representatives who can help us establish a medium of getting to our customers in the Canada/America and Europe as well as making payments through you to us.
Please if you are interested in transacting business with us we will be very glad. Please contact us for more information. Your first step of application
will be to reply this mail. Reply to lp550@mail2world.com.
Subject to your satisfaction you will be given the opportunity to negotiate > your mode of which we will pay for your services as our representative in
Canada/America and Europe. Please if you are interested forward to us your
phone number/fax and your full contact addresses.
Thanks In advance.

Managing Director,
Dr. Liu Peijin

My response:

Dear Doctor Liu,
I would be very interested in working with you. I already run an import business, and have just received significant funding with which to grow my business. This is a potentially exciting opportunity!

Thanks,
Sean

Dear Sean,

Thanks for your mail, Please we need this information from you to send
to our company lawyer who will send to you the contract agreement.

1. FULL NAME
2. PHONE/FAX NUMBER
3.FULL CONTACT ADRESS
4.NATIONALITY
5.IDENTITY

This are the information needed from you, please send this information
as soon as porsible.I which to inform you that as soon as this information
is send, it will also be sent to all our custormers. They will be making
payment throught you to us. for every payment that is made throught you to us we are giving 10% of the total funds to you. Thanks

I await your urgent responds

Dr. Liu Peijin
managinig director
China National Arts & Crafts
Import./Export. Corp.(CNART)

Hello,

My full name is “Apu Sean Walberg”. Fax number is 1-xxx-xxx-xxxx. My
phone number is unavailable at the moment, as I just moved.

My address is

192 Home St
Toronto, ON
3C5 A9C CANADA

My nationality is Botswana

What do you require in terms of identity?

Thank you.

Sean

Dear Apu Sean,

How are you today? Please get back to me with your phone number so i can
send it to our customers for us to start up with this transaction. Thanks and God Bless.

Dr. Liu Peijin
managinig director
China National Arts & Crafts
Import./Export. Corp.(CNART)

Let’s have some fun now.

Dear Dr,

The FBI was here today asking if I knew you. I said no, but they made a
copy of my email records anyway. What’s going on here?!?!?!

Thanks,

Sean

Dear Sean,

I just got the information from our company lawyer, he was the one that
informed the FBI. that we want to go into a business transaction. from the adress you sent to us he said he wanted to know if you are one of those people that lie to get what dose not belong to them. he as advice that we can go on with the trasaction that there is nothing. Please send to me you phone number so that we can go on with this transaction.

Thanks and God Bless

Mr. Liu Peijin
managinig director
China National Arts & Crafts
Import./Export. Corp.(CNART)

Whew! I was worried.

Dear Liu

My phone is still out of service after the move, however I am told it will be up Monday, at which point I will forward my new number. When shipping to and from Botswawna I am able to do most things electronically, which is why I haven’t been anxious to get it installed.

I am relieved to hear that the FBI incident will not cause a problem.

In the meantime, do you have a picture of yourself that I can have? It is a tradition in my country to know what our business partners look like. When I finish unpacking some boxes, I will send one of myself to you.

Sincerely,

Apu Sean

Dear Apu Sean,

My pic is attach to this mail, sorry i have not been able to jet to you i was out of the office for some time. Please inform me if you have got the phone number ready for us to start up with this busness transaction. and send to me a copy your your pic too.

Mr. Liu Peijin
managinig director
China National Arts & Crafts
Import./Export. Corp.(CNART)

I have no idea who that picture is of, but I know it’s not him.

Hello,

The FBI were here again, and there is a strange van parked across the street that hasn’t moved for a few days. I’m worried they may be tapping my phone.

Maybe it would be more secure if I flew out there to meet you? I’ve always wanted to see China.

PS, you look familiar, are you on TV?

Apu Sean

And here comes the scam…

Dear Apu Sean,

I got your mail, I will be very happy to meet with you. You are welcome here okey. I will like to tell you this please keep it to you self. I am a well respented man in this state. some time ago i was giving a contract by a goverment personality who dieded some year ago. He die befor we started up with the contract, this contract was a contract of
$18m. USD. in with i deposited in a security company here in china as a deplomatic bill. No body new about this.

Please if you are willing to help me lay cliam of the funds, i will get a lawyer for you to start up with the charge of beneficiary that will enable you lay cliam of the funds from the security compuny. i am giving 10% for your expensis and 30% for your asistans. This is a legal transaction. i just need some body that will help me in moving this money out of this country.if you are not intrested please keep it to your self. If you are Get back to me.

PS, you look familiar, are you on TV? Yes that has been some time ago.

Mr. Liu Peijin
managinig director
China National Arts & Crafts
Import./Export. Corp.(CNART)

Let’s try to scam him.

Hi, Liu

Your offer is most intriguing, and I would love to help.

I was looking at getting a flight to China, and the cheapest is $4,000. I’m a bit short on funds because I’m still waiting for a large payment on a shipment I just brokered. Any chance you could advance me the $4,000 to get the ball rolling?

Thanks,

Apu Sean

Hrm, doesn’t look like it’ll happen.

Apu sean

Thanks for you mail, well i have told you about this business. this is not the company business as you beening our representative. this is beween the 2 of us. there is no way i can send money to you for your traveling becuase i am going to pay all the legal fee for the business. you are to pay for your traveling and the Dumorage and handling charges to the security company for the consignment to be giving to you. this i why i need some body that is capable of this. and that is why i am giving 10% from the total funds for your expensis and 30% for you asistans. Then we can go and start up a business some well so we can be business partiners.

You know how morch is 10% from 18m USD. if you can not handal this please inform me okey.

Thanks

Mr. Liu Peijin

Can’t blame me for trying.

Ok, Liu, I’ll find the money. What’s the first thing you need me to do?

I’ve also dug up a picture of myself.

Thanks,

Sean

Dear Sean,

I got your mail and your pic, Thanks for that. I which to inform you that i have long informed the security compuny well this funds was deposited that the funds should be frighted our of the country. I was informed by the that the funds was frighted to a branch compuny in Netherland, This was due to security resons.

I have inform them that you will be coming to lay claimed of the consignment. so you have to travel to Netherland to lay clime of this consignment, i have got a lawyer for this transaction who will send to you the Documents of the consignment. he is going to asist you in this, as soon as the consignment is goting by you you can come to china for the holliday.

I will send to you the contact of the security company in Netharland so you can contact them. Please get Back to me and inform me that you got this mail.

Thanks

Mr. Liu

Hello Mr Liu. I have received your message, and would like to help. Please have your lawyer send me the documents.

thanks,

Apu Sean

I seem to be missing an email or two, basically Liu gives me his accountant’s name and email, I send him an email, but it bounces because I’m sending from a dynamic IP. I figure I may as well use this:

Liu,

I tried to respond to Mr Baker, but I received an error message in return.

I received a call from Interpol yesterday asking about any dealings in Holland or China. Is this perhaps them intercepting my email?

Thanks,

Apu Sean

Dear Apu Sean,

Good day to you, how are you and your family hope you all are fine is so priase God. I have contacted the in the security company here and i have been inform that we should contact Mr. Baker true his personal email adress that he have some problem with the company email account. This is the email address; s_baker112@yahoo.co.uk. Please contact him.

My lawyer have investigated and find out the it is you email account that thare are intercepting. He have advice that you open a new email account for this transaction. Once again please contact Mr. Baker. Document will be sent to you as son as posible.

Thanks

Mr. Liu

At this point I was thinking I’d just tell him off and quit, but then I had an idea.

Liu! There is a problem! There were more people from the police here asking questions. I didn’t like the questions they were asking, and we got into a fight. They pulled guns on me, so I shot them in self defense. I’ve attached a picture so you know what I mean.

Help me! What should I do?

Apu Sean

I lost the source image for that, but what I did was remove a couple of things on the floor, and added the blood.

His response didn’t have the usual footer:

You are going to need avery good defence my freind.I’ll help you in many ways that I can.Where are you right now?I advise you turn yourself in to the police.Then I’ll take it from there.I have good contacts in the USA

Liu,

I cleaned up the mess and hid the corpses. I’ve flown to Canada to lay low for now. I could use your help, though.

Before this incident, I had received a government grant for my export business of $3.2 million USD. I need your help in getting it out of the country by providing invoices and other correspondence to back up the transactions. I can put you in contact with my lawyer, and for your troubles, I will give you 10% of the money.

You’ve been such a good friend so far, I’m hoping I can count on you to help me out of a tight spot. Once I get my money out, I can help you with the things we talked about previously.

Thanks,

Sean

Atten: Sean

I got your mail and willing to help you, as you know i am a reputable business man in china and will not like to be involved in any questionable act.

As regards your funds you are willing to get out of the country were is the money lodged if its in a bank what bank and any contact for the bank so we can confirm as this will go a long way in helping you get this money out of your country.

The invoice you asked of should we issue the invoice as if you are paying for products so that you will be able to send the money to an account you will have access to. This account will be opened in your name and as such you can access it through the bank website.

I will be waiting for your mail as regards all what i have said in this mail.

Dr Liu Peijin

I’ll see if I can at least get him to do something stupid.

Liu,

Unfortunately the money is in the form of a government grant, and they require invoices to pay the funds.

To start off, I need an invoice for the following products:

1,000 pink dildos @ $12 ea
2,000 big honking black dildos @ $13 ea
1,000 “Kathy Knockers” dolls @ $20 ea

The invoice should be sent to

“Big Poppa Pump’s Pleasure Palace” Fax - 1-xxx-xxx-xxxx

That’s $58,000.Upon you sending the invoice, my accountant will direct
the government to pay your company, after which point I will arrange for
you to transfer me 90% of the funds.

You can call my accountant, [a coworker], at 1-xxx-xxx-xxxx if you require any details.

Praise be with God for your assistance,

Apu Sean

Dear Friend.

I have writing the invoice but you have to sign on it and what is the
date that will be on it? Inform me so i can sent invioce to them .

I awiat your mail.

Dr. Liu peijin

Dr Liu,

Make the invoice date December 1, 2004. I will not have to sign it, but please make sure to have an address where the government will send the check.

Thanks,

Apu

Argh.

Mr. sean

Please i have to inform you that we do not take checks. if the funds is in check we can not help you. i will advice you to open an upsure account, i can help you with a Back contact in holland becuase i have a friend in the bank there. i will give the contact to you so that you can get to him to open the account for you and then you can send to me the account information. so will can sent it to them. for them to pay the money into it for you. or you ned me to get or open the account with your name? for you.

Dr. Liu peijin

Dr Liu,

Why is it that you can’t take checks? This is starting to sound highly suspicious!

Apu Sean

And that’s the last I’ve heard of him.